Airline travel is not what it used to be in the old days. By old days I mean pre 9/11. You know 9/11 that is the national Rudy Guilliani I Am America’s Mayor Day. September 10th New York is ready to run his sorry three timing sorry dear but I found a new love butt out of town and along come two planes into the twin towers. Suddenly, Rudy is America’s Mayor.
Well, before that date, air travel was pleasant. The family looked forward to going somewhere on an airplane. It was a treat, except maybe for that part of the trip where Lumpy decided to stay on the plane and not visit San Francisco … oh that is such a story. No sound deadening earphones necessary. It was a nice experience. No security lines. Just show up and people wanted to help you.
You could even park at the curb and wait for your family to get their luggage. The police officer would say okay but don’t wait too long. Stewards offered you a meal on long flights.
Now what do we have?
We got a nightmare.
It all starts with the online experience. Choose one of ninety three web sites. From “formerly cheap tickets” or “I have no money but must visit my in-laws quick” or as a last resort – “I fly any time to go anywhere now”. Enter your dates of travel and your cost goes up. Enter your travel destination and your cost goes up. Want a real seat on said plane and your cost goes up. Want to take any piece of luggage and your cost goes up. Want to carry your luggage on to reduce the airlines labor cost and they will only charge you slightly more money.
So you get a subprime mortgage and buy tickets.
So its travel date, you want curb side check in to avoid the long lines … that will be $5 per piece of luggage, before it was a voluntary tip, now it is a fee and we will take credit cards. Checking our luggage inside for free, priceless but only an extra hour of time but what is time after all but a series of endless hours waiting for the pain to end.
Now we move to the security line. This is a line of people who are carrying every piece of crap they own to avoid paying that $25 first piece of luggage or the $50 overweight fee or the ugly bag with the orange string to distinguish it from all the other orange stringed black suitcases.
Remember these are highly trained TSA agents. Where do they get that training, Disneyland? Previously, I would attempt to handle the paperwork for family members … gather up the driver licenses, boarding passes and blood samples. This week I had a major run in. I thought my flying privileges were going to permanently canceled. Mr. 90 Year Old Karate Kid Security Man says to me with his entire 5 foot 5 power stance … each member of your party must carry their own identification and boarding pass. What I did not understand and I did try to explain to Mr. 90 … the woman is my wife and I am the male figure. Mr 90 says with all his winey authority … each traveler must carry their own documents. But Sir, she woman, me man. Mr. 90 growls “if you want to get through security release the documents and step back from the podium”.
Okay, Mr. 90 … you win this round but I will be back with reinforcements.
We will forget that the group in front of you all have 6 ounce bottles of mystery liquid that needs to be analyzed, and the guy with the extra wide cowboy belt buckle having to go through the security merry-go-round three times.
Now the easy part … oh you travel novice. Boarding the plane:
Ladies and male companions, we will begin boarding the airplane in 30 minutes. We will board by sections which you will find on your board pass. Take the number on the boarding pass over the Code Board to translate your number into the proper number being used for this flight. These precautions are being implemented to protect you from the terrorist threat which is currently at level magenta. We will board in prime number sequence so you if you have a non prime number for your boarding group you will be directed to gate 22 for the alternative flight.
You are moving to the plane now.
The aisle is very narrow … what with eight seats across. It’s going to be a fight for overhead bin space to put your oversize drag on luggage out of the way. What? Is that a 4 foot woman trying to boost her 110 lbs oversized bag up over her head and then boost it another 2 feet to get it into the bin? Is she holding up the entire plane from loading because she is in row 5? Why yes, welcome to the friendly skies. When she bought this brick could the sales person offered to sell her a step ladder to get it up into the overhead bin? Maybe the six gentlemen behind her could offer to help her rather that just watching and giggling like school girls … no offense intended to the school girls.
Well, she struggles and gets the hunk of plastic up into the bin plus another five minutes to get in all the way in. Alas, the line begins to move.
This is excruciating but the plane gets loaded.
Loaded yes, but moving? Oh you are an overly optimistic soul. We pull away from the gate right on time so as to avoid the FAA’s wrath of leaving late. Unfortunately, the statistic is for leaving the gate not leaving the ground. We pull back and stop. Five minutes, ten minutes and now we are moving to get in line to take off. Seems the airport didn’t know we would actually want to take off so they have over scheduled the take off slot and we are now number 18 in line. Eighteen! What numskull thought that you could have 18 planes take off in a period of 3 minutes when they allowed all these planes to schedule their departure? Didn’t they realize that those same runways are used for landings?
We are fortunate. There are horror stories of sitting on the runway for hours without air conditioning. Remember, all of time waiting for take off … you are not allowed to use electronic gear because your iPod will send signals to the pilot who will get confused and dazed when Stairway to Heaven starts coming out of the control panel.
Sitting there is a pleasure. I have negative three inches to put my not so long legs. What, how can there be negative space? It is simple. My legs when normally at the end of seat take up so much space. I now have to bring them back three inches so they are not inside the seat in front of me. Cross your legs … I think not. Reach down to scratch that itch on your ankle … only if you can go over the seat in front of you, reach underneath and scratch quickly before that 300 lb guy comes back from the John.
Thank Hashem for sound deadening headphones. If only I would have checked to see if the batteries were good or brought extra ones. Well, it might have mattered if I had charged my iPod. So, I guess it’s listening to Mr. I Know How To Make a Mint in Real Estate Despite The Current Economic Conditions … or Miss I Really Miss White Bread … or is it that baby crying in row 23 B.
While the flight only takes 32 minutes longer than scheduled but then we know about schedules.
Circling the airport is fun. You go around in a big circle and don’t even get dizzy. Well, the airport didn’t know we were coming so of course they overbooked the airways.
46 minutes later … one more time around with a little more clapping this time.
Going in for a landing … wee! Bump, bump, bump, bump … rattle, rattle, bump … we are on the ground. We are going to actually arrive. Oh, did I mention that there needs to be an open gate for us to actually get off the plane? See, the airport once again forgot we took off with the intention of coming to this very city, did they not notice we were circling above? I guess not because we got another 30 minute wait for a gate.
Unloading the plane! Reverse the loading process except everyone wants to get off at once to run the three concourses, take the train, fly to the very last gate to catch the connecting flight which is leaving in … oh, 12 minutes.
Enough already … please I just want to get my luggage, find my car and go home.
I will not bore you want with getting the luggage … there is only so much fun in one excessively long post.
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