Tuesday, September 23, 2008

How To Conduct A Proper Interview

Normally I do not sink so low as to comment on sports but this issue cries out for justice.


This last Sunday the hapless Miami Dolphins upset the Golden New England Patriots … the invincible Patriots. The lowly Dolphins who could not spell the word “win” stopped the 21 consecutive regular season victory string by the Patriots and miraculously avoided being number 22 not to say they weren’t a significant number of the other numbers.

Bill Belichick, the famed cheater coach of the New England Patriots was forced by custom to give an interview after this embarrassing loss. The only thing more embarrassing than being surprised by the Dolphins non-NFL normal tactics was to have been one of the reporters asking questions. This demonstration of total lack of brain power is normally only seen when asking politicians to explain their position on any controversial topic but we were forced to see the presentation by one of the dumbest set of reporters known to mankind. The real responses by Coach were not reported by these knuckle heads because in hindsight they were embarrassed by the dumbness of their questions. The only good news for these reporters was that there are definite openings for them to apply for positions as either political or financial reporters since they also do not know how to ask a real question.

Here’s a transcript of his news conference after the game – the questions are substantially the actual questions asked … the answer are primarily what Bill said out loud and plus what he was saying in his head:

Q: Bill, how come you lost to the team that had lost 17 of their last 18 games? Could you give us an analysis of the game?

Bill Belichick: Listen you dimwit … weren’t you watching the game … did you just sleep through the last 60 minutes of football? Well, there is not too much to say here. I thought that Miami played a real good football game. They did everything a lot better than we did. The outplayed us. They out coached us. They certainly dominated on offense and defense. I thought we were competitive in the kicking game but that was about it, not on the offensive or defensive sides of the ball. They obviously deserved to win. They were the better team and they did everything a lot better than we did today. Not too much to say … we sucked. By the way, isn’t that a job your paid to do … analyze the game, will you pay me to do your job?

Q: Can you talk about the recognition of the Ronnie Brown and shotgun play?

BB: Duh! Since we didn’t stop him which you didn’t seem to notice because you were too busy focusing on the cheerleaders and that hot chick in Section 202 … you know the one who kept pulling her shirt up, we had trouble with a lot of things. That was one of them. We had trouble a lot and you should have actually watched the game instead of masturbating in the men’s room you dipshit.

Q: Was that a play they had shown on film before?

BB: Of course, as your fellow reporters from DDD (dumb, dumber and dumbest) reported it was available on YouTube from an open Dolphin practice session. How was your pregame analysis? Did you see this coming? But certainly, your pregame analysis forgot to mention the possibility of these plays so where were your heads?

We had trouble with their new stuff that is why they call it “new stuff”. We had trouble with their old stuff because we spent most of last week in the spa relaxing because you told us we were vastly superior and 12 point favorites. We didn’t play very well on defense which if you ask me again about our defense I will shoot you … look at the score board, you blind bastard, they scored more that we did … so how did our defense do?. We didn’t coach very well because we didn’t video their coaching signals because you told us the Dolphins suck. We didn’t play very well across the board and they did a good job, so give them credit. We’ve got a lot of work to do. I know we are better than that.

Q: What do you attribute to that – coming in with the difference in records?

BB: Ding dong … is there anyone home in your head? If we had the answer to that, we would have fixed it. But no… you must think we like to loose which we try to avoid and then listen to your stupid questions which show clearly that you have no concept of football, coaching … and reporting. Do you have short term memory problems? Didn’t I just answer this question with different words? We will get back to work tomorrow and work to correct and improve it.

Q: Can you talk about the play of Matt Cassel?

BB: Who gives a shit about Cassel? Our team did not show up … these are all substitute players. We couldn’t move the ball on offense … you may have noticed we didn’t score many points, we missed some opportunities because we just didn’t want to catch the ball and we couldn’t stop them on defense which would explain one more time why they had more points than we did. I don’t know what else to say. They did a lot better job than we did on offense and defense ergo they won … we lost … do you understand that?.

Q: Could you see anything of this coming from a preparation standpoint? Did you have a good week at practice?

BB: If we could have seen it coming, we would have prepared for it … or do you think we knew about it and ignored it? Of course genius, the next time we play a team that uses these set-ups which no one else has used in the Pros we will react differently. Could you tell us who is considering using these plays? It doesn’t matter because you may have noticed this game is over. What kind of question is that? Every week in practice you always work on things that is why they call it practice. You improve them and correct them as you go through the week. The bottom line is, they came out to play on Sunday and we didn’t. We didn’t do a very good job today and that includes everybody.

Q: Are you concerned that if you get behind by 10 or 12, which when Tom Brady was quarterback was not a big deal, is it a much bigger deal than it was before?

BB: Are you a total moron? Is there any coach whose game plan is to spot their opponents 10 or 12 points? That was never the game plan – to get behind by 10 or 12. We always want to go out and play well and, as the game goes on, play the situations that come up. We always played it that way, I’m sure that’s the way we will continue to play it.

Q: Is it difficult for Matt [Cassel] because he has so little experience?

BB: Please note one more time … they scored more than we did … Matt does not play defense but then you wouldn’t know that because your main job is monitoring Tony Romo’s love life. Whatever the situation is, we have to play it. So, it doesn’t make any difference – that goes for everybody.

Q: Have they shown the split out of [Chad] Pennington before?

BB: That hasn’t been a big thing for them. You’re a complete idiot with the attention span of a 3 month old baby. These were new plays. They have never used them in a game. What part of “new” don’t you understand? We know that getting those two guys in the game is something that we expected them to do but you certainly did not anticipate it when you made us 12 point favorites. We just didn’t do a good job with it, or a lot of other things for that matter.

Q: Is it worse that you have two weeks to dwell on it or better that you have two weeks to make corrections?

BB: There isn’t anything we can do about the schedule. But the best part is that next Sunday, I will not have to answer any of your stupid repetitive questions … so praise the Lord for that gift. So, what it is we work with, try to make the best out of it and do the best that we can to improve our football team during that time. When the games are scheduled we will play them … you of course don’t understand that the schedule is made up in advance … we did not elect after loosing this game to take an extra week off. We will try to use the time the best we can – same as we always do.

Q: How concerned do you get about a game like this?

BB: What happened today is a reflection of the way they played and the way we played – the way they coached and the way we coached. Every game is its own entity [and] we know that. And of course, I can get rid of my 19-0 in 08/09 shirts along with my 22 games in a row shirts and.

Q: You did have a regular season record winning streak. Do you take any pride in that?

BB: No of course we did not take any pride in winning 21 regular season games in a row. A record that you reporters have now said will stand for 50 years. Why would we have any pride in that?

I think right now all we were concentrated on was the Miami game. That’s what we will do. We will take a look at that, make some adjustments, corrections, go forward and start getting ready for San Francisco. That really is what our mindset is for this week and the next two weeks.

Q: Any particular reason the direct snap continued to give you trouble?

BB: Yeah, because we didn’t see it coming and we were asleep out on the field. Is there any reason you didn’t see it coming? They did a good job with it and we didn’t.

Q: Has Ronnie Brown ever thrown the ball in the NFL that you know of?

BB: No, has never throw a football even as a joke so of course we were surprised that he could even lift a football. Have you ever seen him throw a football in his life? Is there any film you can show us of him throwing a football anywhere? You do have 50 guys in your research department don’t you? What are they doing? Could they see if he ever threw a football since he was born? Yes. He’s left handed, he’s right handed. Believe me there were a lot of other problems besides that.

So, we say to aspiring journalist students … the competition is not so tough for those prestigious jobs all you have to do is what they have done … sleep with you boss, shine a lot of shoes and mow all the executives lawns because obviously brain power is not a job qualification.

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