Happy New Year ... But ...

Well the Holiday season is upon us. Of course I do not mean the shopping holiday season which starts with Halloween and goes through Xmas followed by return season and I should have waited for the sale season but the month long marathon Jewish holiday season.

What do Jews do for their holidays?

As my readers know ... we were bad, we were punished, we beg forgiveness, we were forgiven ... now let's eat. We go to Shul (Synagogue (Temple) (House of Worship))) ... sit, pray, listen, talk to our neighbors and then its home or to a friends for a large meal, followed by the traditional beaching of the whale or as I like to call it ... nap time. Get up, go back to Shul, and then its off for another large meal because its been maybe 5 hours since we last ate. Back to sleep in anticipation of the opportunity to do it all over tomorrow.

But that is old news, you all know it like the back of your hand. Do you really know the back of your hand? When was the last time you spent examining the back of your hand?

Well, these first two days were continuing proof that I am aging and not so gracefully.

I can not claim to be such a religious person with deep concentration on my prayers but there seems to be somethings which are bothering me more this year.

1. When the Rabbi says during this next section of the service there should be no talking ... could the two guys behind me wait until he sits down before you start talking?

2. There are silent prayers that your supposed to say only loud enough for yourself to hear. Could someone tell the guy three people over from me that "loud enough for him to hear" does not mean loud enough for everyone to hear.

3. Maybe that guy referred to in #2 is trying to hear himself over the guy in the front section, twenty rows up from us who does not understand that when your so hard of hearing that everyone in the room can hear you talk to yourself that maybe just maybe its hearing aid time.

4. I understand that this particular problem will be different when grandson comes to services with me but until then, it is a problem. Why is it that parents feel that their precious six month old will benefit from the Rabbi's sermon? I mean a third of the men's section take as sanctioned nap time ... maybe that is what is intended for the six month old but when precious starts to cry how hard would it be to take precious out of the room? Or do you feel it would be disrespectful to walk out on the Rabbi carrying a crying baby? Of course, my grandson would never cry during the Rabbi's sermon ... napping when the Rabbi talks is in his genetic make-up ... his grandfather, his father and each of his three uncles on his father's side ... Rabbi up - head down. But Mr. / Mrs. your baby's crying louder than the Rabbi is speaking ... get up and out.

5. What must the discussion be at certain homes? Honey, I have been with the kids plenty this year and I need some "me time". So, you take the three kids (all under the age of 6) to Shul with you, so I can have peace and quiet in the house for a couple of hours. Never mind that these children are going to sit down all around daddy, play games, make fighting with each other, running in and out while daddy concentrates on his prayers never caring that his kids are distracting four rows of men who left their kids home to annoy their wives.

6. If you have a bad bladder, stay home or don't get a middle of the row seat. Mr. Excuse me one more time must have thought the candy counter would be open soon with his in and out and in and out.

7. Temperature! Services are run regularly in this building. Large crowds are routinely in this building. A new air conditioning unit was just purchased to avoid the old one breaking down in the middle of the holidays. So, please explain to me why there are only two setting on the system. Too warm and too cold. How is that that the temperature is always too much in one direction or the other?

8. Candy men should be banned from the facilities. There are in many Synagogues gentlemen who feel that giving sugar to other people's children is a positive thing. The tallis bag for most men is for carrying their tallis and then putting it aside until it is time to go home. For several men it is a bag for carrying five pounds of sweets to fire up kids. Yes, lets give the kids enough sugar so they can run in and out of the services being loud, annoying and less than respectful of what is going on. Why do these men feel it is important to be seen as an enabler of childhood obesity and teaching kids to beg for food? At the very least they should get large signs that read "candy man here" so these poor kids who do not have the secret candy map will not have to bother the rest of the men ... "do you have candy sir?" Candy men should have to pay an extra fee to allow them to hand out candy ... its for the extra cleaning staff to go around and pick up all those wrappers left on the floor everywhere.

9. For those people that think I am such an nonreligious person that I have my TV on at home or am listening to a radio during Shul, please understand that even if I did which I don't I will not tell you what the score in game is or how the stock market is doing today. Get your own radio with discreet headphones.

10. Rabbi, it is the High Holidays. Could you please do a little more homework on your sermon (d'var Torah). I mean I know I am going to nap. You know I am going to nap. Everyone around me knows I am going to nap but maybe I will try to stay up. What about everyone else? Smell the roses, do more mitzvahs and be a better person ... if that is what your going to say, please don't take twenty minutes to say it ... we get it. If my family says "you could have given a better one (since you have a history of giving d'var Torahs on Shabbat morning back in the day back up north) then Rabbi you have a problem because you have time to prepare ... so please either prepare or shorten your words.

11. Can someone get the volunteer Chazzan to try for some consistency. The words outloud ... he says very slowly using a tune that almost no one knows really performing for himself. Then for the words you have to say for yourself ... he flys super sonic speed through them so fast that there is no way you can read them with any kind of thought other than "I got to get to the finish line". I mean there would seem to be a balance. I understand that I have chosen to go to the minyan ( one out of six to choose from ) that has a goal of being the first to get to the lunch table but what would ten more minutes mean?

12. Lastly, this is Synagogue and the High Holidays. I know I do not wear a suit coat or a sport coat. Could some parent tell their sons to tuck their shirts in? When did wearing your shirt out become a sign of proper attire, a dress code that shows respect? I understand that the boys want to show they are wearing tzitziots but every man wearing them has them tucked in. At school they are required to tuck their shirts in ... please explain why their parents can not make them understand that tucking your shirt is the way you dress when your going somewhere important.

Okay, I am getting old and picky but ... well tough, just make it better and let's raise the bar rather than lower it.

Have a healthy and prosperous New Year.